Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Big House

Cold, frigid air fills my lungs this morning. I dart to the window to see if maybe a freak snowfall has blanketed the earth and grounded me to a Snow Day! Freedom from school!!! If not, I am doomed because my report on The Battle of Little Big Horn is incomplete and this could very well become Fug Cheese’s Last Stand!

My face drops as I see the wintered, brown and gray blades of the Bermuda mocking me. I am on to Plan B. It is time to google flu symptoms so I can fake out mom. She is getting really good at seeing through my ruses so I need all the help I can get from the information highway.

I look outside again, praying, as I inspect the grounds for signs of snow. I just see ice. That glacial element is not quite enough to shut down the Okrapolis Independent School District. There is ice in the huge oaks weighting down the brittle branches. There is ice on the mailbox delivering the frosty news that winter is still upon us. There is ice next door dangling from the "for sale" sign that, oh my, is mighty different today!

Someone added the word “Sold” to the top of the sign! I am getting some new neighbors!

I will miss old Mrs. Holder who lived next door in the abode Okrapolians refer to as “The Mansion”. The lonely widower baked cookies for my mother and me every Friday. I was the grandson she never had and my mom was the child she always wanted. My own grandmothers had passed away long ago so Mrs. Holder, in my eyes, really was my grandmother. Her passing last year really hit me hard.

The immense manor has sat vacant since her death. There are twenty four rooms in this three story dwelling. The master bath is bigger than any living room I’ve ever seen. Who needs a bath that huge? I don’t even take my bath half the time. It’s amazing how a little scented hand sanitizer behind the ears and under your arm pits, a rinse of water on your scalp, and one good wash rag around the eyes and cheeks… the ones on your face… can ensure a successful pass on mom’s bedtime inspection.

In a few weeks, I’ll have some new neighbors. Hopefully, whoever moves in will know how to bake cookies!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Okra Pods Album of the Month

This month's spotlight shines on 2007's Unravelling Hillbillies, the album that lampooned the Travelling Wilburies. The Okra Pods make another rare partnering with Elvin Parsley to weave us through yet another wry collection of rocking hits.

"Derik and I were drinking in Denver after a show at a bar called Bar Fins when Handle Me With Care played on the jukebox", recalls Dave. "Derik starts singing about Anna's dairy aire and the next thing you know we are writing idea after idea down on napkin after napkin. Somewhere along this creative journey Derik looks at me and says that there is only one way to do the perfect parody. He was correct of course. The only way to do the perfect parody was to have a fifth Pod in the band so we turned once again to Elvin Parsley... the frigging hothead."

The band put behind their pasts with Elvis impersonator Elvin Parsley and recorded another awesome album with Elvin taking vocals anywhere Roy Orbison had sang on the original recordings.

"Elvin had the impression that he would sing everything", sneers Dave. "Talk about one hell of a confrontation. That jerk went ballistic one evening and destroyed my favorite guitar. Needless to say, I beat the ever-loving crub out of that fat S.O.B. We knew his track record and made sure we had him record all his tracks before we told the putz that he was not singing lead on Head Was Full of Lice. Elvin is a HUGE George Harrison fan so this news made him mad... but when we added that he was not going to sing lead on anymore songs, Elvin just soared over the edge. I just wished we were smart enough to have him do some backing tracks before he bolted on us."

There are eleven cool tracks on the album...
01. Anna’s Dairy Aire (aka Handle Me with Care)
02. I’m Not Crazy (aka She’s My Baby)
03. Those Girls Gone Wild (aka Nobody’s Child)
04. Geezer Was a Funky Man (aka Tweeter and the Monkey Man)
05. Scatterbrain (aka Runaway)
06. Drinking Some Wine (aka End of the Line)
07. Head Was Full of Lice (Headed For The Light)
08. A’ Bakin’ a Squirrel (aka American Girl)
09. Last Rights (Last Night)
10. Online Relations (aka Congratulations)
11. Hillbilly Bris (aka Willbury Twist)

The album only has one odd juncture... but it works! Track number eight, A' Bakin' a Squirrel, is not a parody of a Travelling Wilburys song. This is a parody of Tom Petty's American Girl. This track fits in perfectly because of the "hillbilly" content as the song sings about cooking squirrels and roadkill.

From start to finish, the Okra Pods' 49th album is a fine tribute to George Harrison's grand collection of muses. Hopefully this album will come out of print one day!

- Amy Ladeedada, President of the Okra Pods Fan Club.

Baking a Squirrel
© 2007 Dave Jones and the Okra Pods

Well, she was just a’ baking a squirrel.
Glazed with caramel.
She stopped all the stinking in there
With a little of the spice
From the shelf.

After all it was a great big squirrel
Which made it kind of hard not to run into.
Yeah, and it popped her tire
On her jeep
But she raced it home
So it would keep.

Oh Yeah. All right.
Tastes real greasy baby.
Yet kinda tough to bite.
She was a’baking a squirrel.

It was just not tasting quite right.
Kind of like old and nasty balony.
She was hearing all the cars nearby
And wonder if she’s heard a hit and run
When she would hear the tires screach!

So she had to go and see what’s there.
She jumped into her SUV.
Hope it is still cool.
Something that’s not squished.
And still fresh and does not reak.

Oh Yeah. All right.
Tastes real greasy baby.
Yet kinda tough to bite.
She was a’baking a squirrel.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

El Hijo Loco's Thoughts on ECW

Finally! Vinny's ECW is dead! For years I, El Hijo Loco, have watched the butchering of the great hardcore legacy known as ECW by the watered down creatives at the WWE. I long for the days of old when Raven, Tazz, RVD and the Sandman were the underworld heroes bloodying each other up as the chants of "ECW" roared in the background.

I am sure Paul Heyman is very happy to see Vinny putting the final nail in the coffin. I wish Heyman had at least gotten a nod from Vinny when the announcement was made yesterday that ECW was going off the air.

So from me, El Hijo Loco, I would just like to take this opportunity to thank a few of the TRUE ECW stars for their hard work building the empire that Vince destroyed. Thank you Raven, Devon, Bubba Ray, RVD, Sabu, Sandman, Dreamer, Balls, Tazz, Cactus, Funk, Tajiri and Paul Heyman. I know there are many, many others and I, El Hijo Loco, thank you all!

Monday, February 1, 2010

El Hijo Loco's Monday Night RAW Flashback

Monday, February 2nd, 2010.

Hola amigos! Welcome to El Hijo Loco's first blog.

First off I want to thank Vince McMahon for not inviting me yet again to participate in the Royal Rumble. I was very disappointed in the lack of surprise entries during the match. I did like seeing Beth Phoenix take out Khali. I would love to throw out a challenge to the Glamazon right now... three falls "anywhere"... no HOLDS barred...

...where was I? Oh yeah, RAW!!!

I, El Hijo Loco, am NOT a fan of the celebrity guest hosts on RAW. There is no consistancy from show to show. Last night was terrible and felt as though the great and mighty William Shatner was not even there in the arena. He didn't come out to address the crowd until the end of the show... and then he was done in less than two minutes. Some hosts are on camera most of the show and act as general managers, making matches, when it is SO obvious that they have never even watched WWE programming in their pampered lives. I really wish they would just dump the entire celebrity angle, but I would compromise if they would just let the celebrities make two or three funny appearances... and NOT let them make matches.
It is time for Vince to appoint a fulltime General Manager to RAW.

I have a few suggestions. First off is me, El Hijo Loco. Unfortunately my bad history with a few of the current roster would make such an appointment far too risky. I have made vicious enemies with some of the top WWE Superstars. El Hijo is a bit of a prankster you see and most of the pro wrestlers you know and love have absolutely NO sense of humor.

Other suggestions for a general manager would be Hector Guerrero, a serious Hacksaw (not the cartoon parody WWE has used lately) or Dusty Rhodes. Bottom line, they need a veteran superstar to lead the WWE out of the chaos and clutter I see week in and week out.

All in all, RAW was about a 6 out of 10 for me. How many storylines are going to have HBK
feeling sorry for himself? How much more wimpy will the segments get before the writers realize kids are in bed and us grownups do not like watching a watered down version of the RAW programming that once had ATTITUDE!

Adios mi amigos!